Marrying A Covert Narcissist Saved My Life
Marrying a covert narcissist is like living with a hidden ticking time bomb. You can hear the ticking, you know what might be coming, but you can’t shut it down. My four years marriage was an emotional nightmare where I didn’t know why and when the bomb would blast out of nowhere and for sure over the smallest and usual things that people often consider not offensive. Things like telling him to take the garbage out, buy a new teacup for me, or help me clean up the kitchen.
I never understood why these simple things pissed him off. What made him react so abusively? What was I missing the whole time? And, while I was busy figuring this out, he would amaze me by instantly changing into the shy, nice, and troubled guy we are often tempted to fall for.
Right after a fight or an outburst he would come back and pose the charming, introverted guy, who blames his behaviour on his upbringing, his own sufferings, and everything that can possibly make me feel that I am the most horrible and overreactive person alive on the earth. This would go on for a few minutes until he would again start feeling insulted by something I say or did (or never said or did).
Dear Lord! What was going on?
Then one fine day I came across the term ‘narcissist’ and going a little deeper I learnt about the covert narcissist. Oh my God! That was the biggest missing part of the puzzle. My husband was a covert narcissist (I won’t say he was suffering from it, because enjoyed being a narcissist. And moreover, it was how his personality was moulded by his caregivers and his own self).
However, this darkness opened doors that taught me More about Life. I was married to a Narc when I didn’t know what personality disorder was. In a courtship of 4 years, I endured Narc abuse, survived, walked out gracefully and thrived to become better and better each day. Today, I am a different person — healed, happy and loving. Way better than what I was even before my marriage.
It’s true that Narcissists are negatively wired people. Grandiosity, compulsiveness and control make them sadists who found power and happiness by torturing others or simply watching people suffer.
Undeniably, I was suffering emotionally, mentally and physically and every time he found me sad, he gave a winning psychotic smirk, I will never forget witnessing so many times. But those were the moment when I found the strength to prove him wrong. Turn his smirk into disappointment. Though not all, sometimes I succeeded too.
Understanding emotional abuse introduced me to their massive insecurity and hatred towards themselves. Also, when I looked closer, I found that these emotions were constantly trying to teach me the biggest life lessons that I earlier ignored like nothing. Why do I say this? Because I got my lesson from my ex-narc.
And, now it's your turn to turn the key. Here is what I learnt from my 4 years long marriage with a Narcissistic Personality Disordered husband.
Fulfilment Comes With Healthy Boundaries and Self-Love
My ex-husband was not the only narc in my life. Narcs kept coming back to me one after the other. Friends, siblings, boyfriends, colleagues, and husband. Everyone trying to shape and control my life because they considered me incompetent. Wonder why?
The problem was in my behaviour not them. I underestimated my capabilities. I doubted my instincts. I depended on them to take my life decisions (even when they knew nothing about me).
I found out I am an empath and suffering from co-dependency. With both these traits, I often sacrificed my needs to the absurd whims of others. Getting validated by the narc was my fuel to feel good about myself. I was wrong.
The realised I had to give up on people-pleaser, set firm boundaries and stop feeling ashamed of my own self. When you know your own worth, it doesn’t matter what others think about you. Self-care helped me build myself again — much stronger and vibrant than before. After a few months of practising self-love and setting simple boundaries, I started feeling a fulfilment that gave me the strength to come out of the toxic influence and never tolerate maladaptive covert narcissism again.
Identifying Toxic behaviour and Learnt Coping Skills
While in the second year of marriage I fell into severe depression. Going through the various blogs on depression, I came to know about the introvert narcissist and it sounded so similar to my present condition.
I started identifying the signs and impact of gaslighting on my mental health. Plus, I started reading other types of emotional and psychological abuses. Along with that, I started looking for some coping mechanisms. It helped me to come out of the victim mode and regain my freedom.
All beginnings need not start from scratch. The knowledge and experiences you gain from being in an abusive relationship make you stronger to trust your gut instinct and notice the red flags you had previously ignored.
Understanding the Flaws and Ways to Correct Them
Do you know why Empaths or co-dependents are soft targets for covert narcissists? Because they satisfy their need for extreme admiration through their forever forgiving and clinging nature.
But empathy is a powerful emotion. Empaths are God gifted. It’s our fault that we use it against us. I promised to use my superpower to save myself. I started identifying my co-dependency pattern and how I can change them.
I started searching for my childhood traumas, healing them, understanding healthy boundaries, and ways to improve my self-esteem. Identifying your self-worth will slowly help get your power back, from the narcs and others who treat you like possession or simply nothing.
I Started Taking My Career Seriously
Financial dependency was a primary reason I was stuck with this maladaptive narcissist. My covert narc husband however unconsciously helped me develop financial independence. No, he didn’t mean to. It was more like catching me redhanded in infidelity once I am out in a professional setting. He even devalued my work or tried to stop me from working when my colleagues started appreciating my work.
Initially, I eaned too less. It wasn’t enough to live independently or boost my self-confidence. But the game had already started. Spending time away from the abuse even kept my mental health in check. Talking with colleagues made me feel good and worthy. I started dreaming of a happy and fulfilling life ahead. I found pleasure in work, learning, exploring, walking, eating, living. I started living again and vowed never to give in to the toxicity again.
Taking Responsibility for My Own Life
Miserably failing in my marriage taught me that a successful relationship needs a lot more than just dry love. Your partner might be telling ‘I Love You’ 100 times a day and not mean even once. With a narcissistic husband, I learned everything that a relationship should not be like and that no one should settle for anything less than what they deserve.
With this realisation, I stopped blaming my husband for the mistreatment he has put me through and accepted my own flaws with a vow to rectify them. I understood it was me who never respected myself and that was why my husband had the guts to devalue. This made healing much easy and I felt more and more peaceful each day.
Believe in Yourself
The concept of “Love is Blind” is not practical. Victims of Narc abuse often have to pay a very high price for validating their partner's wrong behaviour. There is no excuse or justification for disrespectful behaviour and we should learn when to stop. Most abuse victims are guilty of giving more second chances than they should. I learnt to stop it. If you want to ensure, give it a chance. But make sure it's only once and walk out faster if it didn’t work out.
Just like light, darkness too has a lot to teach you. Instead of falling apart in the sheer pressure of narcissism (who will never change) pick up your strength and start learning what life is trying to teach.
When you walk out of the storm (make sure you do no matter what it cost), it will be a new day, a new life and a New You. Don’t be discouraged to start again. Believe in the higher self. Trust his plans and work on yourself.
Life After Stepping Out of the Covert Trap
Now people seem to notice my changed self and it makes them angry and confused when I stand up for indecent behaviours. Some of them are part of my family who threatens to end all ties if I don’t give in. While some advise me to become the one I was before (because they think I am mourning my marriage).
Honestly, I am rejoicing. If my boundaries are distancing me from lethal relationships, jobs, careers, and people, I cheerfully show them the door.
My life’s darkness has become a blessing in disguise. It can happen for you too. Don’t give up.
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