This is how Narc Parents Destroy their Child’s Marriage

Have you ever felt like your spouse is more wedded to their narcissistic mom or dad than to you? Then read along.

Marriage is often a family affair. Even when you stay alone with your spouse, you have some responsibilities towards your in-laws that you have to tend to. However, it is good to remember that marriage is a change for your in-laws as much as it is for you.

A little insecurity, awkwardness, and envy are normal when a new person becomes a part of a family dynamics, especially when a daughter-in-law starts living with her in-laws (or becomes an important part of their son’s life).

In normal scenarios, these are short-term feelings that ease out over time. But again, there is nothing normal when you enter an introverted narcissistic family setting.

Hence, it is often challenging to identify a narcissistic in-law because, in the beginning, everyone is in their best behaviour. They may sound self-absorbed, entitled, and too attached to their child, but in hectic wedding preparation, these red flags just fly away.

That is where most of us go wrong. Even the adult child of the narcissist might start believing this mask of their mother (or father) like my scapegoat ex-husband did blindly.

I was married to a covert narc (scapegoat child) with a grandiose narc mother, an enabler father and a sibling (the narc golden child). In their chaotic family setting, I was the obvious target of my mother-in-law. I was the competitor who was snatching her supply away, the food she has cherished all her life. She constantly found ways to prove me a gold-digger, status seeker, social climber, or anything that puts me in the light that I don’t care for her beloved son.

If you are married in a narc family and suddenly feel restless that your marriage is heading to chaotic, emotional and psychological destruction, well your in-laws might have a role to play in it.

I am sharing my experience with my narc mother-in-law here. Did anything similar happen/is happening with you? Don’t forget to leave a comment if you find any of the phases relatable.

Here is the game they are playing with you.

Step One — Building the Engagement

Casual dating isn’t so much of a threat to the NPD mother, because they build a tell-all philosophy at home where the adult child is supposed to tell them everything that is going on with his dates. Once the child starts sharing (even those intimate and secretive things that we don’t talk about to others) the narc parent will show her false experiences and start weaving untrue rumours, share their concerns about the potential future spouse (or “women nowadays”), and manipulate their child to doubt or test their partners.

You might find the affectionate child suddenly becoming suspicious of you. They keep stating their dissatisfaction with you and question your ways in life. The Narc mother (father) might suddenly start appreciating your boyfriend’s previous partners. However, it’s the love-bombing phase. So, things will cool down before turning bad.

Step Two — Engaging Insecurity

The war begins when the engagement is announced. Suddenly all nightmares have come true for the narc mother (which is inserted into the child as well). The new member is an inadequate, unsuitable, and unacceptable addition to the family (even if you were previously approved by the same narc mother/father). The narcissistic in-laws will start manipulating their adult child pretending concern that this new member will destroy their child’s life, snatch the child from their mother/father, leave them helpless, steal all the money, humiliate them in public, and control their lives.

Basically, your narc-in-law will start projecting their unhealthy motives, lack of boundaries, and controlling tendencies onto you. If the narc’s child isn’t self-aware, the mother will brainwash their child with emotional drama and inject conflict between the two of you. They might even threaten to not support or attend the engagement unless the new spouse is ready to meet the narc parent’s whims.

The prime motive behind all this is to cancel the engagement without taking the blame.

Step Three- Another Rough Patch -The Wedding Day

Your wedding day (that is if you are able to cross the rough patch of engagement to wedding) will be the worst day in your narc-in-laws life. The mother-in-law will find every possible way to spoil your day and save their adult child from your vicious intentions. They will criticize the color of your wedding dress, the decorations, the rituals, the seat assignment, literally everything.

My mother-in-law started criticizing and misbehaving with my parents on the wedding day. At the reception party, it seemed like it was her wedding. She would take all the presents, go astray about her dress, meet people like she is the only one they should talk to (and about), blush like a new wed, and interrupt if I talked with anyone. Not only the bride but even her child (the groom) would also be back staged to avoid the attention shift from her.

If they somehow can’t get the spotlight, the parent-in-law will start making indecent remarks, criticizing the new bride, or threatening their child to walk out of the party. At this stage, the whole narc family will portray their strong family bond to the new spouse and how unfit she is in there. Your husband might also go along with his narc mother (or father) seeing this behavior as harmless and advise you to not overreact. This will introduce a conflict between the couple and give your mother-in-law her first win in spoiling your relationship.

Step Four — Crazy Competitions

When you step in as the new spouse, two things trigger your narcissistic in-laws, image and control. You will find the parent-in-law frequently oscillating between showing approval and strong disapproval of you depending on what is at stake, who is watching, and how it’s benefitting them. My MIL privately bashed me and posed happy and excited. During her private conversations with my partner (which was mostly about me and how I am the worst spouse, daughter-in-law and human being), she would manipulate the son to assure she has access and control of the marriage.

Even a tiny hint that they are losing control will be met with intense rage, verbal assaults, reminding of how much she has sacrificed for her family, silent treatment, withholding attention, love, and more. Moreover, the narc mother will ensure the son takes every destructive move on themselves, so the image they have erected in public isn’t damaged. Your husband will clone their mother’s exact words, sentences, and intentions and pose as if that is what they want and not their maladaptive narcissistic parent.

Final Step — The Game Takes Over

Once the adult child is convinced of their parent’s false stories, lies and made-up situations where you are trying to break their family bond, their destructive games take over. Soon, you will find yourself feeling miserable with your husband. Your husband will start avoiding you and spend more time with his mother to please her. The time you spend together will mostly be about arguments, blames, and how your wrong upbringing is devastating their happy life. You will be constantly forced to please his mother while your family and friends will cease to exist. He might gaslight you into believing that your own parents are the people who are destroying your marriage and that you should cut all ties with them.

You will accumulate intense loneliness, isolation and hatred towards your husband. Even sex might be a forced affair or used to soothe the hurt they inflict on you.

The resentment that will build up with years of not protecting you from his narc mother will be too much to bear and your married relationship will lay in devasted ruins. This is the secret dream of the Narc in-law — to prove that they were right all along. Their ultimate win.

Heaven to Hell, and Back

Understand this. When you step into a new family after marriage, it is not your sole responsibility to adapt to the new surroundings. Your partner and his family have an equal responsibility to make you feel welcomed into their family dynamics.

You should be able to safely communicate your concerns to your partner who is responsible to convey them to his family. He must implement strong boundaries as and when required because the narc parent will try every means to intrude. A partner must know how to defend the new spouse and never join in insults. If your partner is the controlling hedge of their narc parent, then the truth is, no one can save your marital relationship.

In that case, it is better to identify the lethal signs of breakage and move out as soon as you can. Because being in a marriage that doesn’t give you peace or happiness is not worth any effort. You might not win the game against your narc in-laws but moving on, healing and starting anew is the triumph a narc can never imagine.