Divorcing a Covert Narcissist? Keep these points in Mind
If you are reading this it means you know you are with a covert narcissist. You know how they are and what they are capable of doing. And, probably it’s your time to take the next step — breaking free from their captive clutches.
Covert narcissists are peculiar and disturbing. One moment they behave like an innocent-faced child and in the next, they are the egoistic envious guardian who finds inhumane ways to punish the notorious child you are. Often this transition is so swift and sudden that you will be perplexed about what’s going on.
Well, that’s frequent in a relationship with covert narcissists. But the silver lining is they will push you to an edge where you will find your life. You will come to terms that the relationship is toxic and leaving is the only option to survive.
However, there is a catch. Covert narcissists don’t like to lose their possessions and they will put up a fight to stop their supply from oozing out. And, when they realize that their good-natured mask has fallen, they will try every defensive measure to spoil your plans. Even if you want to leave without disturbing them, they will find ways to exploit you in every possible manner. Harassing you during divorce, keeping your things/money, leaving you bankrupt or with huge loans, delaying things intentionally, or worse play the victim card.
But still breaking the bond with a maladaptive spouse is important and the first step is often to leave him and go no contact. But it’s not that easy. Leaving an abusive relationship is not always a planned move. There might come a stage when you just pack your bags and go.
That’s perfectly normal. As long as you stand up to abuse, everything is normal. Abuse victims often have this prior instinct that they will be leaving soon. And if you are feeling that now, do keep these points in mind.
#1 Understand Why you are Leaving
Clearly understand why you are leaving because one loose end and it will encircle you back into a deeper pit-hole. Each of us who have been married to a covert narc has a different experience to share. While some might be stuck due to trauma bonds, others might be there for financial support. Find the reason/s that has kept you struggling in this abuse for so long. Start to heal that part before you leave, so it doesn’t come in the way when you finally start living again.
#2 Keeping Things Normal
Narcs are cunning. They can sense changed behavior really quickly. And, they know how to turntables to benefit them. A year back when I told my ex I wanted a divorce, he started crying, consulting therapists, marriage counselors, and emotionally blackmailing me to pull me back, and eventually, I returned to his den. Things got dangerously worse after that.
Hence, this time I was conscious to not make my exit evident to him. I made sure he didn’t see the day coming. Everything was as it must be. I cooked the same meals for him, kept the same depressed face, the same conversations, and watched the same shows I used to. Although he was suspicious that I might be having an affair (once he caught me smiling alone), he had no evidence. And, soon he was bored of spying on me and gave up (much to my relief).
#3 Businesslike Talk
As we all know there is no transparency in relations involving covert narcissists. It’s more like a one-sided viewing glass. The narc will provoke you to share your life with them (and later use them to criticize and demean you) but never share anything about themselves. It’s better to keep your conversations strictly superficial and businesslike. My interactions with him were very stale and boring, restricted to essential ones — get the grocery, pay the bills, the tap isn’t working, etc. It was normal in a way because the covert narcissist doesn’t like intimacy in interactions. Yet, my silence did baffle him at times.
#4 Considering my Finances
I was not financially stable when I planned my exit. My husband never wanted to see me financially independent and put in all efforts to stop me from working. I started freelancing from home but the money I was making wasn’t enough for an independent living. I needed more money to be able to pay my bills. I started working on improving my professional skills. Along with that, I started working on my communication skills because I hardly talked to anyone for years and my conversations were limited to my husband’s verbal abuses. Better skills, better job prospects, a better salary, and finally free from his financial abuse. That was my goal.
#5 Collecting Significant Documents
My covert narcissist husband was packed with psychological illnesses. Erectile dysfunction, OCD, Anxiety, BPD, ADHD, you name it and he has it. We had consulted around twelve psychiatrists (he would not but Erectile Dysfunction took him to them) and all of them failed as expected. I knew I would go for a divorce and with a narcissistic husband, it would not be peaceful. He will find ways to keep me stuck in the loop. So, I started preparing my backups. I first collected all my education certificates (that he had kept with him). I made a photocopy of his medical prescriptions, our marriage registration certificate, his passport, the rental agreement, and every other document that I could get my hands on. To be honest, I had no intention of harassing him in court because that meant delay and more abuse. The prime motive was to get out. These documents helped me get the divorce smoother than I imagined.
#6 Re-establishing my Network
Isolation is evident in a narcissistic marriage. But it is always good to have your loved ones close by, especially, when you are taking such a large step in life. It’s time to call them again. You may/may not share your plans with them, but talking to them will make your days less gloomy and motivate you to dream of a life beyond the abuse and toxic marriage. However, make sure your narc spouse isn’t aware of the same. Delete the call list, WhatsApp conversations, and everything he could get a hint from.
#7 Not Giving in to Hoovering
Covert Narcissists are cunning and they smell changed attitude, especially when it is their partner. The fear of you standing up for yourself drives them to do things you will never imagine. Initially, they might devalue you, shift blames, or gaslight you. But eventually, they will revoke the love-bombing era. They will start giving you attention, sex, gifts, or even plan an outing you had once desired. My ex-narc planned a weekend trip, celebrated my birthday, took me for an anniversary dinner — the first time after our marriage. I knew it was a temporary phase and his manipulative technique to buy time or keep me occupied with him. I didn’t budge and he stopped casually (or it might have been silent treatment. Not bothered anymore).
#8 Preparing the Exit
Planning the exit properly is essential. There are plenty of things to consider. Where will you go? Where will you stay? How will you manage your initial expenses? Should you move out silently without the narc knowing your move? Do you have your ticket, passport, visa?
I escaped when we were planning to meet our parents. He kept delaying the tickets as long as he could. Finally, I booked my own ticket and told him I was going to meet my parents. He can stay back as long as he wants. That was it. He immediately got the tickets and asked me to cancel mine. I agreed but didn’t. It was my backup in case he cancels the trip at the last moment. As expected, he started his tantrums a day prior to the trip. I was adamant to leave and he was raged when he learned I had not canceled my ticket. However, he accompanied me to ensure I wasn’t dating anyone.
I took this chance to visit my parents and went no contact immediately. First few days he waited for my calls. Then he started calling me once a week. Other days he would send long emails blaming me, and WhatsApp messages with indecent curses. I blocked him on everything.
#9 Mentally Preparing for the Battle (Against All Odds)
After complete separation of two months, I called him to say that I wanted a divorce. He was shocked and ran to his mum to make things up. Covert Narcissists don’t have the spine to handle things by themselves. They always need an enabler who will clean their mess.
When his mom couldn’t save his marriage, he resorted to threatening me that he will expose my affairs (which actually didn’t exist). He even tried to convince me that I would be sad and miserable without him. He would write emails with links to surveys that talk about how divorced women feel sad and lonely in life. I never replied and went ahead filing the divorce. Mentally preparing to face these things with silence was another prime move I mastered during my last days with him.
Bottom Line
When dealing with a covert narc there is nothing that is ultimate. However, coming out of a courtship where you have invested so much isn’t easy either. Make sure you are prepared enough because the life after is going to be tough with loads of hurdles coming your way. However, know that you are the strongest and the bravest of everything that comes your way. Don’t stop yourself.
Are you leaving your narc any time soon? Have you thought of any of the points above? How was your escape experience? Do share your story in the comments. Would love to read them.
