Want to Make a Narcissist Miserable? Use these Subtle Behavioural Weapons
If you have ever shared a relationship with a narcissist, you will know how painful, confusing and distressing experiences they leave you with. No matter how much love or loyalty you pour onto them, these dementors (yes, I am a huge harry potter fan) will remain the same happiness-sucking vampires, hidden behind a humble and good man (or woman) pretence cloak.
I married a covert narcissist and endured his mental and emotional games for four years until he finally decided that it’s time for some physical abuse. I still remember the pain (both physical and emotional) when a chair came flying at my face because I rejected serving his unreasonable whims.
That day marked the end of his games and my soberness. I was already educating myself on NPD for some time, after that instant, I started planning my exit. Six months forward — I left my husband, started living with my parents, went no contact, filed a divorce, went for therapy, found a job, and started my healing journey.
Another year forward, I got divorced, earned a promotion, found the self-confidence I lacked, and from then onwards my life is getting better and better.
But again, this might not be as simple as it looks. I didn’t have a child, so my escape was smoother than many. There are victims who co-parent with such maladaptive covert narcissists. Some have narc parents, friends, siblings, relatives, colleagues, managers, and clients. It’s not easy to cut ties and free yourself from all.
However, there are some behaviours that you can adopt to protect yourself from being the punching bag of a Narc’s inflated ego. I have learnt these behaviours from my ex-narc. Some of them I mirrored, while the rest I improvised to benefit myself. Nonetheless, it is sure to empty tank these shallow personalities.
Yet, don’t expect the introvert narcissist to change or stop exploiting you. These behaviours will only make you less tempting to the narc. It will reduce their impact on you and buy you some time to plan a better life away from these sadistic creatures.
Curious? Let’s dig in quickly.
Not Fighting Back
Arguments fuel a narcissist. They will poke you, intimidate you, blame you, scare you, insult you, and do everything that can start a conflict. Learn to never give them that pleasure. The moment you respond back or disagree with their weird ideas, their numerous sucking pipes will get activated. They will suck in your calmness, happiness and peaceful demeanour and leave you feeling empty, exhausted and sad.
When initiating a fight, the covert narcissist often shows signs like restlessness, anger, indecency and abusive behaviour. Towards the end when they are happy, satisfied, and energised, they will give you their infamous silent treatment and blame the whole fight on you. In no time they will forget everything and get on with their normal life — absolutely uninterested in what you are going through.
Hence, here comes your first weapon. Never fight back. Even if he tells you the yellow wall in front of you is green, give a blank stare at the wall and get back to what you are doing. If they continue provoking you, try humming a tune or play some music on the phone and start telling him how the song has captured your attention recently. Beat the invisible drums in front of you, dance, do anything but don’t talk about the wall. This will make him feel unappreciated and he would end up leaving you alone — showing some rage on the way or the infamous silent treatment for the next couple of days or weeks (Ah!! the peaceful days).
Getting Comfortable with Silent Treatment
Continuing the point above, here is the second weapon — not getting affected by the silent treatment. Rather use this peaceful moment to do something productive, like self-care.
I understand ignoring the silent treatment isn’t easy. It took me so many years to build this immunity. But at least you can fake it until you make it. Let them do whatever they want. Stay silent, composed and enjoy the little time you have without the narc’s interference. If they leave you in the room alone, go to their new supply, or pretend to keep themselves busy, let them be. Sing loudly (even if you are a super bad singer), dance your way across the rooms, take a hot shower, dress up, put on some make-up, smile, cook, take a walk outside, pour a drink for yourself, or even go out and try a new restaurant. In short, do everything you would have if this maladaptive narc was not there in your life.
Replying them With Questions
Your happiness is your narc’s painful weakness. They will soon end the silence and you would be bombarded with millions of questions. My ex-husband often asked me why I don’t cry anymore? Have I found someone better than him? What’s going on in my mind? Why am I happy? What am I planning to do? Etc.
In the beginning, I replied with hurt and pain. Later I learnt to reply with a smile — a short, mischievous, quirky smirk that made him feel more curious, envious, (and suspicious). Covert Narcissists feel powerless when they can’t read your thoughts and emotions. Let them wonder. Enjoy their confused and angry expressions.
Not Validating their Existence
Again, extending the previous point, narcissistic people can’t stand mystery. They might come back to hover, love bomb, shout, blackmail, cry or gaslight you to their comfort zone — the pained, lonely and deranged you. Understand their move and stay strong. Don’t let their lovey-dovey mask pull you back to a place you have outgrown. Practice self-love wholeheartedly. It will give you the strength to heal, bring more clarity in your life and reduce the introverted narc's negative influence in your life.
Doubting Them
Narcs prepare their victims to silently fall for anything they say — the false scenarios, the lies, the gaslighting, the abuse, the blames, the shames, literally everything. Tables turn when you start doubting them. Ask them questions. As many as to establish the fact, you don’t trust them. For example, if they tell you that you are lying, enquire about the truth, how do they come to know about it? What’s the proof that they are not lying? Tell them confidently that you know they are lying to you. Don’t try to prove your innocence or justify your actions. Question their sanity before they doubt yours. But make sure you do it in a very very calm tone. Don’t lose your temper even for a moment.
But be extremely attentive and careful. Your narc might turn violent after your questions. Keep your guards on.
Smirking
Narcissistic Smirk is a thing, if you know what I mean. Have you noticed the narc smirk after winning a deal with you? I have observed him smirk often and the evil tint it possessed. Initially, the smirk portrayed danger and I felt scared knowing he was planning his winning move. Then I learnt to mirror their behaviour. It proved to be highly interesting.
Whenever he shared something (‘I participated in the office chess competition. This time they will have a real contender. I already feel so sorry for them.’), I would give him that evil smirk and get busy with my work, after making sure he noticed. That’s when the game begins. He would start probing me why I smiled? Do I think he would perform poorly? Or that he will lose to those filthy colleagues who know nothing about the game? I would again reply with another smirk, a little shrug and close the question.
He would rage out of the room cursing me. Give me his infamous silent treatment for days (even weeks). Lie on the living room sofa scrolling through Facebook and Instagram while the television played at the top volume with lights on (so I am not able to sleep at night because he never slept at night). And, many such covert narcissistic tantrums.
I did nothing but mirrored one of his devaluing techniques. Give it a try.
Finding Happiness Without Them
Last but not the least, your genuine happiness is their worst nightmare. They hate it when you are happy and ignore their existence. Think about it. Your narc had never been a part of you. You have handled everything all alone. Then why should you rely on them for the rest of your life? You are more competent and self-sufficient than you think All you have to do is start believing in yourself.
Give up the fear of losing him or abandonment, work on yourself, get therapy, get financially independent and distance from your narc mentally and psychologically (if physical distance is not possible). Trust me, there is nothing more tormenting for a narcissistic individual than watching their victim enjoying their life fearlessly.
Final Thoughts
There are endless ways a narcissist will bully you to make you feel miserable and worthless. But there are also countless ways you can make them taste their own medicine and feel powerless. Hope the above behaviours help you keep your sanity and live a life narcs can never imagine in their dreams.
Have you ever tried any behavioural weapons to escape the torture your narcs inflicted upon you? What did you do? And how did it change the game? Do share your stories with me.
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